hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
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