You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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