"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
