I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
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