I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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