God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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