my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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