We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
