I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
