I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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