Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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