I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
