i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
