i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
