I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
