Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
