dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
