i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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