he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
