I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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