Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
