Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
