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When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
