This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
