omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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