I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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