My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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