The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
