If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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