I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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