I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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