I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
