Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this beer tastes like vomit already
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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