Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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