it wasn't lemon gatorade
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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