im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
