i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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