So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
