I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I cockslap morals
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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