The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
