just tell him i said nine months
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
