I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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