The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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