There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
