You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
