My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
