the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
