Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
