Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
