I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i think im in europe. pls send help
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
