I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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