I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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